Fragile Dreams
by hobbleit
Summary: Doug writes a letter to Ste telling him how he feels.
1. Chapter 1

_****_**A/N: Hello, I'm back with a new fic. I'm just missing Doug that much.  
Anyway, this may turn into a longer story if I can be bothered but at the moment it's just a letter Doug has written to Ste about leaving him.**

**The lyrics at the beginning and the end are from Fragile Dreams by Anathema (and the title, lol)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or the lyrics. Although as Hollyoaks is being written like an atrocious fanfic (Yes I'm looking at you Stendan) I don't think this matters much.**

* * *

**Fragile Dreams  
**

_**Countless times I trusted you, I let you back in.  
Knowing, yearning I know I should have run but I, I stayed**_

_Dear Ste,_

_ I have thought about writing to you many times since I left but I have never been able to summon up the courage to put this all down in words and send it to you. Sometimes I think that if I don't then I can pretend it's not happening, like if I just close my eyes I'm back in the flat and none of this has happened._

_ I miss you so much. I never thought it would hurt as much as it does to leave a person even though I know I made the right choice. I couldn't spend the rest of my life knowing that you would rather be with someone else. It doesn't stop it hurting though. I think about you constantly, even though I don't want to. I want to move on, or at least start to because I know you have but it's a lot harder than it looks. I still love you and that is never going to go away. _

_ No matter how many times you broke my heart, I still loved you. I sometimes sit and think and wonder if you ever loved me at all or if I was just there until you figured out your feelings for Brendan. I know that you loved me but I also know that you didn't love me enough. I once asked you if I was enough on the day I proposed, do you remember? You said I was and I accepted that because I loved you so much. I wanted to believe you so desperately and I clung onto that when in reality I should have let go long before I did. Looking back it's apparent that we'd never last. You were obsessed with Brendan, you couldn't let him go and you never would. That's why I had to let you go. It just hurt too much to hold on anymore._

_ It was supposed to be you and me and our little Deli. When I said that I could spend the rest of my life being with you I meant it. The day you kissed me was the day I felt like my life had finally begun. Before I'd just been drifting but you and the Deli gave me a purpose that I'd never had before. You changed my life, made me into the person I am now and I will always be grateful for you doing that. I'm a better person now and that was all down to you. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting you go._

_ I often wonder how you are. Are you happy with Brendan? I hope you are because I don't want any of this to have been in vain. I would rather be miserable for the rest of my life but know that you were happy than have you be sad. I only ever wanted what was best for you and if that is Brendan then I hope he makes you happy. But I still meant what I said. If you ever decide it's me you love then I'll be there. I could wait forever for you to choose me and even if you never did then I would always still hope._

_ Everyone thinks that they're trying to help when they tell me that I'm too good for you and that I should just move on and find someone better. They say that you're not worth it because you broke my heart and that there is someone out there who will love me unconditionally. I smile when they say things like that and thank them for being so nice but I don't agree. I can't help but feel that I will never find anyone else. I've never even looked at another guy; I never had to because you were always enough for me. I came out and I went straight into a relationship with you; I wouldn't even know where to begin when it comes to dating. I go out with Texas and she keeps pointing out guys who she thinks are cute and asks me for an opinion but I can't give her one. I don't see them, I only see you. I don't want to but you're always on my mind. This might make me seem weird and possessive but I guess it's just my way of processing everything that has happened. I let you go physically but I'm having a harder time doing the same thing emotionally. Was that what it was like for you with Brendan? I hope not because that would mean I'm going to be hung up on you forever and as long as I will wait for you there is a part of me that wants to move on; that wants to be free and happy again._

_ If you ever read this then you would only think that I've been rambling on about nothing, but what else is new? I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and that I will always love you._

_Yours, forever,_

_Doug._

Doug re-read the letter and folded it up neatly before placing it into the drawer with all the other letters he had written. He would never send it, he never intended for Ste to read them but he had to write them. The letters were rambling and frequently made no sense at all but he had to put his feelings down in words because it hurt too much to keep them locked up in his head. He was heartbroken and no matter how much he tried to hide it from Texas and his parents he couldn't hide it from himself. Writing these letters helped. He always felt slightly less sad when he had finished them. But they weren't for anyone other than him to read.

_**Maybe I always knew  
my fragile dreams would be broken  
for you.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So I wrote another chapter. This is veering completely into AU territory because I a) don't know what's going to happen and b) will probably not like what happens. But that's the beauty of fanfic, I can make my own happy endings.**

**Lyrics are still from Fragile Dreams by Anathema, which I don't own; I just listen to it far to often for my own good. Standard disclaimer from previous chapter still applies**

* * *

_**Today I introduced myself to my own feelings.  
In silent agony, after all these years they spoke to me**_

Doug stared into space. He'd found himself doing that a lot recently, it made it easier not to think. Thinking made him sad because he'd just go over and over everything that had gone wrong over the last few months and it was not something he particularly liked to dwell on. Being around people helped. When he was talking he could concentrate on the words he was saying and the heart crunching pain he felt faded somewhat until it was manageable. He always tried to be around people just so he wouldn't go insane. It was another matter when he was alone. When there was no-one else around he was left alone with his thoughts and the stomach clenching, heart wrenching need to sob washed over him.

There were times when he wished that he had never returned. He wondered if he was a glutton for punishment because all he saw was Ste. He had returned to work at the Deli so he saw Ste everyday but he expected that. What he hadn't expected was the sheer number of times that he would see Ste and Brendan together. It was like they did it deliberately. He would be standing in the Deli and Brendan would walk in and then he and Ste would be kissing or talking and Doug felt as though a knife was being plunged into his heart. The worst thing was he just didn't know what to do in that situation. He often found himself mumbling pathetic excuses and leaving. Not that Ste ever heard them; he was too busy eating Brendan's face.

He could see them now. At least they were in the village and not the Deli this time so it made it a little easier to avoid. Doug mostly just felt miserable, though. A few months ago it had been him kissing Ste and now he was alone. He didn't know what made him feel worse, the fact he was alone or the fact that Ste seemed so much happier with Brendan than he ever had with him.

Ste entered the Deli without Brendan and started talking to Doug. He could see his former partner's lips moving but he didn't hear a word he was saying. He doubted it was important anyway. It was probably about Brendan so Doug just chose to continue staring; not really taking anything in.

"Hey," he finally heard Ste say. He must have noticed that Doug wasn't listening. "You all right?"

"Huh?"

"You were just starin', you all right?"

"I'm fine," Doug replied quickly, quicker than he had intended. "I was just thinking."

"Anythin' good?"

"Not really."

Things were strained between the two of them. Doug didn't mean for it to be like that nor did he want it but there was always the elephant of Brendan in the room which neither of them wanted to talk about. Doug had to watch them together too much never mind having to hear Ste talk about him. There was an entire conversation that the two of them needed to have but neither of them seemed to want to have it. Ste didn't want to reopen old wounds and Doug was just too tired. So, instead, they dodged around the subject; focusing on meaningless small talk and burying themselves in the business.

"Are you doin' anything tonight?" Ste asked.

Doug sighed. "You don't have to do that, you know."

"Do what?"

"Fill every moment with pointless chit chat," Doug winced after he had spoken, it had come out a lot harsher than he had intended.

"Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry," Doug sighed again and ran his through. "I'm just tired. I think I'm going to head off, you don't mind closing up do you?"

Ste shook his head, "No it's fine," he sounded a little confused. Doug didn't have the patience nor the will to go into any further detail. Instead he just grabbed his jacket and left as quickly as he could.

It felt strange living in his old flat once more. Doug had grown so used to living with Ste that it had genuinely been a shock to him when he had come back. He hated waking up alone, he felt so cold and empty without Ste next to him. Doug didn't feel like talking to anyone so he headed up to his room, shut the door and flopped down on the bed.

It wasn't as though Doug had become a hermit since he'd returned to Hollyoaks. He wasn't. He'd been out with Leanne and Texas and he'd even indulged Leanne when she tried to set him up with other blokes. He just wasn't interested. More often than not he would keep to his own company as much as he hated it. It was like a never ending cycle, he didn't want to be alone but he didn't want to be around people so as much as he hated being alone he ended up that way anyway.

Trying to keep his mind off things, Doug pulled out his phone and checked to see if he'd received any messages. There was nothing. Doug sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling more alone than he had all day. He hated that he had become like this, so insular and isolated. He hated that things were so strained with Ste. He just wanted things to go back to the way they were before. He wanted Ste as his friend again but as long as they kept dodging the issues at hand they would never be.

As much as he didn't want to do this, Doug knew that he had to if only to clear the air. He pushed himself off the bed and headed back down the stairs. Leanne was sitting on the sofa.

"Oh, hiya," she said smiling brightly at him. "I didn't know you were in."

"Have to go and do something," he called out as he hurried out of the flat.

Doug stared at the Deli for a moment. He could see Ste cleaning the counter but Brendan was nowhere in sight. Good, he thought and headed inside.

"Hiya," Ste greeted. "Wasn't expecting you back today."

"Can we talk?" Doug asked hesitantly.

"Course we can," Ste replied sounding a little confused. He wasn't quite sure what was going on. "What about?"

"Us," Doug responded, sitting down on the couch. He motioned for Ste to join him and a second later he was sitting next to him. Doug felt slightly uncomfortable at how close Ste was to him. A few months ago he would have loved to be sitting this close to him but now it just felt awkward. Doug swallowed deeply and shifted slightly so he was farther away.

"Are you okay?" Ste asked him again. "You're worrying me."

"I hate this," Doug blurted out, knowing that if he didn't say anything now he never would.

"Hate what?"

"How things are between us."

"What d'ya mean?"

"Things are so strained and I hate it. Ever since I got back we've been avoiding the issue and I'm tired of dancing around it. I just want to clear the air."

Ste sighed, "I was tryna avoid it."

"Me too but it obviously isn't working," Doug let out a humourless laugh. "I hate that I can't talk to you anymore. I hate that I don't know what's goin' on in your life. I see you everyday but I don't know you anymore and that hurts."

"Yeah, I know," Ste replied his voice quiet and choked up. "We used to be so close."

"I miss you," Doug admitted. "I miss talking to you, I miss being your friend. We haven't talked about anything meaningful since I got back, we just skirt around each other. I want to be friends with you but I don't know how to get back to that place."

"Me neither."

"We never really resolved anything did we?" Ste shook his head, not trusting his voice. His eyes were already beginning to fill up with unshed tears. "All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, you know that right?" Doug told him.

"Yeah."

"I wish I could have been that person but I wasn't but that doesn't mean we can't be friends again. We were friends once before all this mess happened."

"But how'd we go back there?"

"I don't know," Doug said quietly as he willed himself not to cry. "But we can try."

"I'd like that," Ste told him.

"Good," Doug smiled.

"How've you been?" Ste asked. "I mean really, none of this 'I'm fine' rubbish you've been spouting since you got back."

"I've been better," Doug admitted. "But I've been worse. At least I have people around me so even though I feel completely and utterly alone I know I have people who care. It means I haven't tried to do anything as stupid as jumping off a bridge."

"I'm glad you've got people you can talk to."

"It's not like I really talk to them, they're just there. I haven't really spoken to anyone about how I really feel. It's too hard for me to think about most days without having to put it into words. My head is just such a mess of confusion."

"I'm sorry, it's all my fault."

"Yeah, it is," Doug told him. "But it's not your problem anymore."

"It'll always be my problem."

"I was a mess after I left," Doug admitted. "I was so heartbroken and the hardest part is feeling that you just don't care."

"What d'ya mean?"

Doug didn't answer him immediately. "Did you think about me after I left?" Ste didn't reply. "I didn't think so," Doug smiled sadly. "You know, I can take the heartbreak; I'm used to it but I really can't take how worthless I feel."

"You're not worthless."

"But I feel it. I want to be honest with you so can you please just listen to me?" Ste nodded. "When I fell in love with you it felt like my life had just started and it felt so good. I knew even then that I could spend the rest of my life with you. The problem is that you obviously never felt the same."

Ste tried to interject but Doug stopped him. "Please, just let me finish. I always knew that you weren't over Brendan but you'd always tell me that you were and I felt so insecure, you made me feel like I was just being petty and jealous. But the more insecure I felt the more obsessed I became and I did things that I never would have even thought of doing because I was so desperate to keep a hold of you.

"It hurts so much. You just seem so happy with Brendan that it sometimes feels like you're rubbing it in. I know you probably don't mean to do it but every time I see the two of you together it feels as though my heart is being ripped out."

"I never realised."

"I know you didn't and I'm not saying it's your fault but you broke my heart whether you intended to or not. You were still in love with Brendan and if you felt that way then you should have ended it with me."

"I loved you."

"I know but you should have ended it. There were plenty of times you could have done it. You shouldn't have married me if you were in love with someone else."

"I just thought," Ste started but Doug finished.

"You just thought that if you married me then you could forget all about Brendan. It's just a shame that love doesn't work that way, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know you are and I know that you really didn't mean to hurt me but you did. I feel used. I feel like I was just a stop gap while you decided what you wanted. The worst of it is that if I hadn't have left you then you wouldn't have done anything. You would have gone with me to America and I would have spent the rest of my life feeling like I was second best. I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling second best."

"So what happens now?"

"I don't know. I want to be friends with you, Ste, I really do. No matter how much I love you and how much it hurts to be near you, it hurts even more to not have you in my life. I know that we can't be together but I do want to be your friend."

"I'd like that."

"Can you just not be so obvious with Brendan? I can accept you love him but I don't need it rubbing in."

"I'll tell Brendan to tone it down. I owe it to you."

"Thanks," Doug replied quietly.

"So, d'ya want to go to the pub?"

"Not tonight, I really am feeling worn out. Who knew talking about your feelings could take it out of a person?"

Ste laughed gently. "I know."

"I'm just gonna go home and have an early night."

"Sounds like a good plan."

"I'll see you tomorrow, okay," Doug said goodbye.

"Yeah, see ya."

Doug waited until he was safely back in his room before he let the tears fall. He felt exhausted, both physically and mentally but a part of him felt better for having spoken to Ste. At least now he'd got his feelings out in the open. It was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from his soul.

His biggest problem now was he still loved Ste and he didn't know what to do about that.

_**Maybe I always knew,  
my fragile dreams would be broken  
for you.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_****_**A/N: Here's another chapter, written after a suggestion from a reviewer about Brendan and Doug. I've never written Brendan before and I'm not even going to attempt to write him in dialect so it's all in proper English.**

**The lyrics this time are from Reconnect, again by Anathema.**

* * *

_**Come on and twist that knife again  
**__**well I'd like to see you fucking try.  
**__**Never going back again**_

Doug could almost feel Brendan's glare drilling into him. It was something he had seen many times before but never with this much intensity. He was managing to avoid Brendan's watchful gaze but he could still feel his eyes on him, watching his every move. If it had been anyone other than Brendan, Doug would have thought they were jealous. But Brendan didn't get jealous. Did he?

Things were good. Since they had cleared the air, things were a lot more comfortable between Ste and Doug and they had fallen back into the comfortable friendship that they'd had before everything. Doug was happy with that. He had accepted that Ste was with Brendan, as hard as that had been, and he was attempting to move on with his own life. He wasn't happy about how much time Brendan spent hanging around the Deli though.

He spent more time there than Doug liked, at least an hour a day hanging around. Most of the time Doug managed to successfully ignore him but he would sometimes feel Brendan staring at him like he was disapproving of Doug's friendship with Ste. This unnerved him but when he had tried to bring it up with Ste he had just laughed it off and told him he was being paranoid. Doug wasn't so sure.

Doug knew he should probably take it up with Brendan and ask him what his problem was but he was afraid to. He knew exactly what Brendan was like and what he was capable of so facing up to the larger man was not something he was particularly keen on doing but it was beginning to annoy him.

Ste wasn't even in the Deli today so Doug didn't know why Brendan was hanging around. He suspected it was solely to wind him up and make him remember who the one in charge was. It almost made Doug want to roll his eyes. He'd had enough.

"Is there any particular reason why you're here?" Doug said, trying his hardest not to snap at the older man. "Ste's not even in today, I'm sure you'd rather be spending time with him than sitting in here all day watching me work."

Brendan didn't immediately respond, instead he simply stood up from the couch where he had been sitting and stepped slowly closer to the counter. Doug swallowed hard, afraid of what Brendan was going to do next. He didn't want to show him that he was scared though so he steeled himself and prepared for what Brendan was going to say.

It was almost as though Brendan could sense Doug's fear; however, as he let out a low and quiet laugh and stopped right in front of the younger man. "What are you afraid of?" He asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Doug replied with less confidence than he had hoped.

"Well, you're obviously worried about what I'm doing here and you're nervous about what I'm going to do next."

"I'm not, I'm just wondering why you're here when you could be with Ste."

"Maybe I wanted to have a little chat with you."

"Well then chat, don't sit there and stare at me."

Brendan laughed again and moved closer to Doug, until he was behind the counter and so close Doug could almost feel Brendan's breath on him. He instinctively took a step back but Brendan followed him, intimidating him with his close presence.

"Look at you," he growled. "You're so afraid of me and what I might do. It's rather endearing when you think about it."

"You said you wanted to chat so let's chat," Doug replied, his voice faltering slightly. He desperately wanted to push Brendan away and run out of the Deli. He wanted nothing more than to hide from the older man but he was determined to show Brendan that he was not afraid of him.

"Let's chat about you and Steven."

"What about me and Ste?"

"I don't know what you're thinking but I hope it's not that you want him back because that would make me angry."

"Why would you think that? I know he's with you now, we're just friends."

"I'd prefer it if you weren't."

"It's… It's nothing more than that, honest," Doug stammered, taking another step back to try and get away from Brendan and his threatening presence. Brendan grabbed him and shoved him hard against the counter. Doug winced in pain as his back slammed against the edge. He wanted to fall to the ground but Brendan kept him upright; holding him in place by pressing his body up against Doug's.

Brendan leaned in even closer and hissed in Doug's ear, "I don't think I made myself quite clear, I'd prefer it if you weren't friends with Ste."

"Isn't that up to Ste?" Doug asked as he tried to push Brendan away but he couldn't. The bigger man was stronger than he was and he was using his full weight to keep Doug pinned against the counter.

"No, it isn't. Now, I don't care how you do it but I want you to keep away from Steven."

"But what about the Deli? We work together, I can't avoid him."

"Then leave," Brendan instructed. "Go back to America, go anywhere but here but just leave."

"And if I don't?"

"You wouldn't want to get on the bad side of me, now, would you Douglas?" Brendan threatened, grabbing Doug's cheeks with one of his hands and squeezing. "Not when you know exactly what I'm capable of."

Doug didn't know how to respond. He was too afraid to say anything but a part of him was screaming inside telling him to tell Brendan where to shove his threat. Instead he just stood there in stunned silence. Do you understand me?" Brendan asked before he forced Doug to nod. "Good."

Brendan let Doug go and he collapsed to the ground. Brendan didn't utter another word; he simply turned and left the Deli. Doug sat on the floor in stunned silence. He hadn't realised that Brendan felt jealous about him spending so much time with Ste. If he was honest, Doug hadn't really thought about Brendan at all when it came to his friendship with Ste.

Doug tried to stand and winced as pain shot up his back. He was forced to grab onto the edge of the counter in order to pull himself to his feet. He rubbed his sore back gently with his hand and limped over to the sofa before collapsing. He wanted to scream. He wanted to shout. He wanted to feel something other than useless. Brendan had come in and pretty much exiled him from the village and he wasn't going to stand for that. Hollyoaks was his home as much as Brendan's and he didn't have to leave just because a psychotic Irish man told him to. He would go to Ste if he had to but he was hoping he wouldn't have to do that. He didn't want to come across as petty.

xXx

The next morning, Doug hobbled gently down the stairs. His back was still aching and a dark bruise had appeared where it had been slammed against the counter. He had spent most of the night awake trying to figure out a way he could tell Brendan that he couldn't force him to do anything he didn't want to. Unfortunately all of his ideas ended with Brendan beating the living daylights out of him. At one point he had even seriously considered just packing his things and leaving but he was determined not to do that.

The only way he could think of to get Brendan off his back was to tell Ste which he was still reluctant to do. For one, it really would make him look vindictive and jealous; causing trouble just because Ste was his ex and for another there was always the possibility that Ste wouldn't believe him and side with Brendan. He was more likely to believe Brendan as they were a couple and he knew that Brendan could easily lie to Ste and say that Doug was making it all up.

"Are you all right?" He heard Leanne ask, pulling him out of his thoughts and back to reality. He'd been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn't even realised he was in the kitchen. "You were miles away and you're limping."

"Yeah, just slept funny," he lied. He didn't want to tell Leanne the real reason he was moving so slowly. "I'll be fine."

"You look awful."

"Thanks, just what a guy needs to hear."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I told you, I'm fine. I'm just having a bit of trouble getting started this morning."

"Maybe you shouldn't go to work, phone in sick."

"I'll be okay; I just need to keep moving. I'll see you later, okay."

Doug inwardly sighed when he made it to the Deli and saw Brendan standing there kissing Ste. He really didn't want to face Brendan just yet and he didn't want to justify why he hadn't left yet. At least Doug knew that Brendan wouldn't start anything while Ste was there.

Brendan glared at Doug as he entered the Deli and interrupted him. Ste smiled at Doug and pulled away from his lover and stepped back behind the counter. "Morning," he greeted Doug.

"Morning," Doug replied.

"Are you okay? You're limping."

"Yeah, I must've slept funny, my back's hurting," Doug lied again.

"Well, if ya need to take a break…"

"Yeah I know, don't push it."

"Yeah. I need to check on the oven, won't be a minute," Ste said and headed towards the kitchen, giving Brendan a quick smile as he went past.

As soon as Ste was out of sight Brendan set his sights on Doug. "I thought I told you to leave," he said menacingly in a low voice so Ste wouldn't catch what he was saying. "I meant every word I said."

"I'm not going anywhere," Doug hissed back.

"Didn't you hear me yesterday?"

"I heard every word but I'm not going to let you dictate how I live my life," he replied, feeling far more confident than he had the previous day. "You had your say so now I'm going to have mine. You're going to leave me alone. I am going to stay here, I am going to continue working at the Deli and I will continue to be friends with Ste."

"And why should I let you?"

"Because if you don't then I'm going to tell Ste about what you did yesterday and I know he made you promise that you wouldn't hurt anyone so how do you think he'd react if he knew that you're the reason I'm limping around today. I know you don't want to jeopardise your relationship so why don't you just leave me alone and I won't cause you any trouble.

"Besides," Doug continued, "You don't want to come across as looking jealous, would you? You have a reputation to maintain and feeling threatened by someone you would barely even consider a threat doesn't do any good to your hard man image."

Brendan backed off and Doug knew that he had won this particular battle. He felt a small sense of victory at getting one over on Brendan.

"Everything all right?" He heard Ste ask from behind them.

"Everything's fine," Brendan assured him and made a point of kissing Ste deeply before he left just to show Doug who was really with Ste. Doug didn't care though. For the first time he didn't feel a stabbing sensation in his gut when he saw Ste and Brendan kiss. Maybe it was just because he felt so happy at standing up to Brendan or maybe it was because he was finally moving on. Whatever the reason was he smiled to himself.

"Are you sure everything's all right?" He heard Ste asked. "You an' Brendan looked like you were about to fight."

"I'm sure everything's fine," Doug grinned. "Things have never been better," and he really meant it.

_**An answer won't come from me  
Confront your own worst enemy  
What does your mirror see  
Is it time to face up to me?**_


	4. Chapter 4

_****_**A/N: Just a small note about the previous chapter. I am not a fan of Brendan but I realise that it is very difficult to write a Stug reunion fic without including him, especially because of the way the show is portraying him. I didn't want to include him but like it or not Brendan is an integral part of Ste's character. Saying that, this chapter kills him off and he won't appear again.**

**This is just the final bit of angst before I start rebuilding Ste and Doug.**

**Song lyrics are from Me and You by She & Him**

* * *

_**Well I heard you had the blues again.  
Seems like all those little things  
add up in the end**_

**A Few Weeks Later**

Doug held Ste in his arms as he sobbed uncontrollably. Brendan was dead. Brendan was gone and Ste was heartbroken. Doug didn't really know what to say so he just held his former lover as he cried.

He wasn't going to pretend he was upset that Brendan was gone but his heart hurt to see Ste in so much pain. Brendan had been the bane of Doug's existence for years. He had used him to sell drugs, he had interfered with his relationship with Ste the entire time they had been together and he had hurt and belittled Doug. Doug would not deny that he hated Brendan Brady. He hated him even more now that he was gone and had left Ste so broken.

"It's okay," Doug soothed as he stroked Ste's hair gently. They had been lying in the same position on Ste's bed since the previous evening and Ste hadn't stopped crying the entire time. He hadn't spoken, he hadn't moved; he just lay there and cried. "It's gonna be okay."

It wasn't going to be okay and Doug knew that but he had to say anything to try and calm Ste down. He thought about calling a doctor to give Ste something to help him sleep but he couldn't bear to leave him on his own while he made the phone call.

"Can I do anything?" Doug asked uncertainly. "Do you need anything?" Ste didn't speak but he did shake his head. No. Doug sighed. "Maybe you should go to sleep for a while. You must be exhausted."

"Can't sleep," Ste croaked through the tears. It was the first time he had spoken since Doug had brought him home. "If I sleep I'll have to wake up and know he's gone."

Ste wasn't speaking much sense but Doug knew what he meant. "Brendan isn't coming back."

"I know, but I don't want to think about it."

"Then maybe sleep would be best, you could lose yourself for a couple of hours."

"But what if I wake up and think he's here. I don't want to have to remember he's dead."

"You can't stay awake forever. You're gonna end up hurting yourself, you need to take care of yourself."

"I don't want to. I want to die."

Doug felt his blood run cold. "Don't say that, don't ever say that."

"Why not? Brendan's dead, why shouldn't I be too?"

"You have too much to live for."

"Do I?"

"Yes. You have people who love you, you have your kids; they need you. I know you loved Brendan but you can't just give up."

"I don't want to live if he's not there."

"Ok, speaking as someone who did actually try to kill themselves; it isn't something you want to do. You might not be able to see it right now because you're grieving but there are so many people who love you and depend on you. They'd all be devastated if you were dead. I know that all you can see at the moment is Brendan and you can't imagine living without you but there will come a day when it doesn't hurt as much. Believe me I know."

"How do you go on?"

"You just do, no matter how much it hurts. There were times after Bex died when it hurt just to breathe. I wanted to crawl into a hole and die because I couldn't see myself going on if she wasn't there. But after I tried to kill myself I realised that life was worth living."

"I don't think I can."

"Yes you can. You don't think you can but you will. I know you loved Brendan and that's never gonna go away. He'll always be in your heart but one day you will move on. Maybe you won't even realise that you have but you will."

Ste sniffed and buried his head into Doug's neck. A few moments later his breathing evened out and Doug knew he was asleep. He lay with Ste in his arms for a few moments longer before he rolled him onto his side. Ste buried his head into the pillow but didn't wake up.

Doug headed into the living room and sat down on the sofa, burying his face in his hands. It was hard trying to comfort Ste when he hated Brendan as much as he did. But he would do it because he hated seeing Ste so upset more. He needed to put his own feelings aside and concentrate on making sure that Ste was okay and if that meant he had to listen to Ste cry over how much he loved Brendan then so be it. He just needed to make sure that Ste wasn't going to do anything stupid.

He was tired, so tired. The kind of tired that seeps down into the bones and exhausts. Doug didn't sleep, though. He couldn't. Ste could wake up at any moment and might need him so Doug needed to be awake. Ste needed to know that he was not alone so Doug stayed awake.

It was over an hour before Ste woke up, Doug could hear him sniffling from the bedroom. Doug headed back into the bedroom and found him lying on the bed rubbing his eyes.

"Hey," Doug gently greeted. "How're you feeling?"

"Tired."

"Then go back to sleep."

"Not that kind of tired."

Doug smiled softly and sat down next to Ste, taking his hand and rubbing light circles with his thumb. "I know what you mean."

"When's it going to stop hurting?"

"I don't know," Doug told him. "I don't think it ever truly will."

"I miss him so much. I woke up expecting to see him and he wasn't there. I'm never going to see him again."

"You'll get through this, I promise. I'm right here if you need anything."

"Thank you," Ste whispered. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Can I get you anything? Do you want something to eat?"

"Could you just stay here for a while? I just need someone to be close."

"Of course," Doug agreed and lay down next to Ste. He wrapped his arms around Ste's thin frame and held him tight.

He must have fallen asleep at some point because the next thing Doug realised was that it was dark and he was alone in Ste's bed. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, trying to acclimatise to the dark. He heard Ste moving around so he got up to see what he was doing.

"You're awake," Ste said as he saw Doug emerge from the bedroom.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Coupla hours. I was gonna make summat to eat if you want anything."

"I don't want to you to go to any trouble."

"It's okay, I'm tryin' to keep myself busy; take my mind off things, you know."

"Thanks in that case," Doug smiled and sat down. A few moments later Ste joined him and handed him a plate of food. Doug ate in silence and stared at Ste. He wasn't eating. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"I made it but now I'm not feeling hungry anymore."

"You should eat; you don't want to make yourself ill."

"I feel sick."

Doug placed his and Ste's plates on the table and took his hand. Ste started to cry again. "Shh," Doug soothed and hugged him. "It's going to be okay, I promise."

xXx

Ste had been silent since the funeral and Doug was worried. It had been a hard day; Ste had to watch the man he loved be buried. It had been a small funeral, Brendan had not been well liked, but Doug had gone for Ste. To support him in his time of need.

"It was a nice funeral," Doug said in order to break the silence that had descended on the flat.

Ste nodded, "Yeah," he replied.

"Do you want a cup of tea or something? I could make you something to eat if you want."

"I'm okay."

"Ste, you're not okay. You don't eat, you barely sleep. You barely talk. You've been walking around like a zombie for the last few days and I am worried about you."

"You don't need to."

"I do because you're not worrying about yourself."

"Brendan just died if you hadn't noticed." Ste said a little louder than he had intended.

Doug winced. "I know that. I'm not saying you shouldn't be grieving, I'm saying that you should be taking care of yourself. I am so worried about you and I just want what's best for you."

"I know and I'm glad you're here. You know what, a sandwich would be nice."

Doug smiled. "I'll get that for you then."

"I really am grateful for everything you've done for me," Ste said as he watched Doug in the kitchen. "You've been great."

"I'm only doing what any friend would do."

"But after everything that's happened between us you didn't have to do anything."

"We were friends before, we're friends now so why shouldn't I?" Doug said as he sat down next to Ste and handed him a sandwich. He took a bite and chewed it slowly, almost thoughtfully.

"I left you for Brendan."

"No you didn't," Doug replied. "I let you go and you chose to go back to Brendan. If I hadn't have said anything we'd be in America right now."

"I'm sorry. I should have been more honest with you."

"Yes you should but it's all water under the bridge now. It's in the past and I'm not dwelling on it anymore and neither should you. You need to grieve."

"Can we just talk about something to take my mind off it for a while?"

"And you want to do that by talking about our failed relationship?"

"Then we'll talk about something else. How are things at the Deli?"

"Good. Busy. I keep having to get Leanne to help out because I can't do it on my own."

"Sorry, I'll be back soon I promise."

"You don't have to keep apologising for everything, you know."

"Sorry," Ste and Doug both laughed. "How is Leanne, anyway?"

"She still hates you."

"Really? It's been months."

"You broke my heart; there are no bounds to her vindictiveness. And now we're back to our failed relationship."

"We do seem to get back to that a lot don't we?"

"All roads lead seem to lead there."

Ste leaned in close and laid his head on Doug's shoulder. "I treated you so bad."

"You don't need to apologise to me. I don't want to drag this all back up again, especially not now."

They both fell into a silence that was neither comfortable nor uncomfortable. Doug closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "I didn't mean to sound so harsh," he eventually said. "I just meant that now is not the time to be talking about it, you just buried Brendan."

"I know what you meant," Ste sighed. "Can we just go back about ten minutes and pretend it never happened."

"Sure. You want to watch TV?"

"Okay."

"I'll be back at work soon," Ste said after a little while. They had fallen into silence again and he couldn't bear it. He hated it to be too quiet.

"Take your time," Doug replied. "I'd rather you come back when you're ready than before."

"I think I need to. I hate being on my own. The silence kills me and I need to keep busy otherwise I'm gonna go crazy. I've liked having you around."

"I'm here to help in any way."

"That's not what I meant. You've done so much for me since Brendan died, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be here I know it but it's more than that. I think I'd forgotten how much I liked being with you. Like you said; before everything, we were friends and I forgot that. I took you for granted, made you feel worthless and I truly am sorry for that."

"It's okay."

"Do you still love me?" Ste asked hesitantly.

"I'm always going to love you," Doug admitted. "That's the one thing that will never change."

Doug was shocked when Ste leaned in and kissed him. He hesitated, not knowing how to respond and let the kiss go on for longer than he intended. When his brain finally caught up he pulled away.

"Ste, no," he shook his head. "You don't want to do this right now."

"Who says?"

"Ste, it's not what you want and you know it," Doug said as he stood up. "You're grieving, you're not ready to be kissing me and I'm not ready to be kissing you."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not going to be your rebound. I am not going to help you get over Brendan by sleeping with you. I will be your friend, I will let you cry on my shoulder and I will let you talk about Brendan without telling you what an ass I thought he was but I won't do that. I am worth more than that and you know it."

Ste opened his mouth to speak but Doug stopped him. "Don't say anything, please. I meant it when I said I still loved you so that's why I'm doing this. And that's why I'm leaving now. I'll see you later."

_**Well I know that you heard a lot about things you can't control.  
So many things we like to have  
we just cannot hold**_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I found this chapter quite hard to write, just been stuck in a bit of a rut with it so apologies for taking so long to post. Hopefully the next chapter will be easier to get done.**

**Song lyrics in this chapter are from Everything by Anathema.**

* * *

_**Needed time to clear my mind  
and breathe the free air find some peace there**_

"_Brendan! Brendan! NO!" Ste screamed at the top of his lungs. It was no use though, Brendan couldn't hear him. A tear fell down his cheek as he ran his hand through his lover's hair. He didn't move. "Please," Ste pleaded. "Please don't be dead." Brendan never responded._

"_We should go," Ste heard a voice from behind him. Ste didn't move. He recognised the voice but his mind couldn't seem to place who it was. "Ste, we should go."_

"_I don't want to leave him."_

"_He's gone already. They want to do an autopsy, we can't stay."_

"_I don't want them to hurt him."_

"_Nothing can hurt him now," the voice reassured. _

"_But what if he gets lonely?" Ste asked, his voice thick with tears. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he turned slowly. The voice belonged to Doug._

_Doug stared at Ste, his big blue eyes filled with emotion. "He won't. He's not there anymore," Doug said to him and took his hand. "Come on."_

xXx

Ste opened his eyes and rubbed the freshly fallen tears from his cheeks. He had dreamed about Brendan's death every night since it had happened. He had relived being called by Brendan who had spoken to him, telling him goodbye although Ste hadn't realised it at the time. He hadn't been directly present for Brendan's death but he had found him shortly after him. Ste still didn't completely understand the circumstances of Brendan's death; it's as though his brain wouldn't let him understand to protect him from the full extent of the pain.

This was the first time Doug had appeared though. He had forgotten that Doug had gone to the hospital with him to see Brendan for the final time. He had held him and comforted him, making sure he was okay. He had been there for Ste every step of the way and Ste had barely even realised it.

Brendan had been the love of Ste's life. It had been hard but there was something about the Irishman that Ste could not get enough of. He had tried to move on so many times, he'd even married Doug in an attempt to get over Brendan, but he couldn't. He'd been drawn back to him. It was never going to last though, a part of Ste always knew that. Brendan was dangerous and had many enemies so one of them would have to catch up with him eventually. There was always a dark side to Brendan.

One last deal, that's what he'd said. One last deal and he'd be out of it for good. He'd give it all up and concentrate on his relationship with Ste. He should have known that it would all end when Brendan had called him. He had told Ste he loved him one final time. Ste never heard from him again.

Doug had helped him. Ste would even go as far to say that Doug had saved him. Ste hadn't been lying when he'd told Doug that he'd wanted to die but Doug hadn't let him. He had stayed with him day after day and made sure he was all right. He had hugged him and comforted him and made him feel like the world was bearable after his had come crashing down.

He'd had to go and mess it up though. He had kissed Doug and although he knew that he shouldn't have done it he couldn't stop himself. The problem was he didn't so much regret the kiss as much as the timing. He'd just been so overcome with emotion that he couldn't stop himself. He didn't blame Doug for running off, he had caused Doug so much pain over his relationship with Brendan and now he had the American thinking that he was using him as a rebound. He needed to speak with Doug and clear the air.

xXx

Doug was standing in the Deli, staring into space again and trying not to think about what had happened the previous day. He hadn't expected Ste to kiss him. He had conjured up a million scenarios in his mind where Ste had kissed him but after his lover's funeral had not been one of them.

This had sent his emotions flying all over the place once more. He had been happy just being Ste's friend; he could even put his own feelings aside for the sake of his friendship but this had completely knocked him for six.

"Hey," he heard a voice and looked up. It was Ste. Doug quickly looked away, he could bring himself to look him in the eye. "Can we talk?"

"Is there anything to say?"

"I wanted to explain about yesterday."

"There's no need, really. Why don't we just forget about it?"

"Because we should really talk about it."

"It was just a kiss, a mistake, that's all. You didn't mean to do it and you're sorry."

"I am sorry but I'm not sorry for kissing you."

"Then what are you sorry for?"

"When we were at the airport and you gave me the ticket to Dublin you told me that if I ever decided that you were the one I wanted then you'd be there," Ste started but Doug interrupted.

"I remember but nothing's changed except that Brendan's dead. You still want him and I'm still second best."

"I was confused and upset but I don't regret kissing you. I don't want you to feel second best either."

"You kissed me right after Brendan's funeral, how do you expect me to feel?" Ste didn't respond. "You were just looking for comfort and I can't give it to you in that way. You want to be close to someone, you want intimacy but I'm not the person you can turn to for that. You want sex? Go and have a one night stand but if you want someone to talk to then I'm there for you."

"And what if I want you?"

"Then you grieve for Brendan, sort your head out and then we'll talk," Doug said and they both fell silent. "How are you doing?" He eventually asked Ste.

"Still not great," Ste admitted. "I keep having nightmares."

"What about?"

"Brendan's death. Sometimes I'm just reliving what happened but other times I dream that I'm there and I'm trying to save him."

"It's only natural."

"I know but it doesn't stop it hurting."

"I don't suppose it would. You can save him every night in your dreams but then you wake up and he's still gone."

"Did you ever do that after Bex died?"

"Every night."

xXx

_Ste leaned in and kissed the man standing in front of him. His lips were soft and the kiss was gentle. Ste felt the man run his hands up his arms and it sent a shiver down his spine. It felt good._

_He tried to pull away but the other man said, "Don't."_

_The voice was not who Ste had expected. He had expected it to be Brendan, it was always Brendan but it wasn't. It was Doug._

"_I love you, Ste," Doug whispered breathlessly in his ear before kissing his necking. Ste moaned in response._

"_I love you too," Ste said and kissed Doug with more passion than before._

xXx

Ste woke up with a sick feeling in his stomach. This was the first time Brendan had not appeared in his dreams since he had died and he wasn't sure how he felt about that. He touched his lips; the memory of the dream still fresh in his mind. It had felt so real.

His emotions were all over the place. On one hand he was still very much heartbroken over losing Brendan but on the other hand he couldn't ignore these feelings for Doug. This in turn made him feel guilty that he was thinking of Doug and not Brendan. He really didn't know what to think anymore. He just needed to clear his head.

xXx

Doug sighed heavily as he waited. Ste had called him and asked him to meet him at the Deli so they could talk. Doug already knew what it was about and he wasn't in the mood to have this conversation. He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

Ste smiled slightly as he entered the Deli. Doug was sat on the sofa so Ste joined him; careful to keep his distance. He didn't want to make Doug feel uncomfortable.

"You wanted to talk?" Doug asked, trying to keep his voice neutral and not allow the anguish to slip through.

"Yeah," Ste confirmed. "There's something I need to say."

"Okay, that sounds ominous."

"Doug, you know I really did love you, don't you?" Doug nodded but did not speak. "And you know that I still love you."

"I never doubted you loved me, you just didn't love me enough."

"I just want you to know that I'm sorry for everything."

"Ste, you've already apologised and I'm okay with everything now."

"But maybe I'm not," Ste responded. Doug opened his mouth to speak but Ste stopped him. "You were supposed to be my fresh start. You were supposed to be me moving on from Brendan and I lost sight of that. I allowed myself to go back to Brendan when I should have stayed with you. You're good and kind and the sweetest person I've ever met and I should have realised that long ago but I couldn't let go of Brendan. Even though I knew the kind of person he was I still loved him.

"I knew he was violent, I knew he had a temper but no matter how many times he beat me up I still loved him. I knew he'd never change, not really; he was too damaged but I thought I could change him. I wanted to change him so badly. But I couldn't and that's what got him killed."

"You were in love with him. Love's not exactly the most rational emotion, I know that."

Ste wiped a tear from his cheek. "You know last night was the first time I didn't dream about Brendan since he died."

"That's a good thing, isn't it?"

"I dunno. You would think so but I just feel guilty. I feel like I'm forgetting him."

"You're not forgetting him, you're just starting to heal."

"Doesn't make me feel any better."

"I don't suppose it would."

"D'ya know what I did dream of last night?" Doug shook his head. "It was so vivid that when I woke up I thought it was real. I dreamt about you."

Doug wasn't sure about what he should say but Ste continued before he could think of anything.

"I was kissing you and it felt really good. But then I woke up and I had this sick feeling in my stomach and I felt guilty for having that dream when I should be thinking of Brendan. And now my head's all messed up an' I don't know what to think anymore."

Doug rested his hand over Ste's and squeezed gently. Ste smiled at the small gesture. "I think I need to get away from a bit."

"That's understandable."

"I need to sort me head out and figure some stuff out. I need to get away from here and grieve for Brendan in a place that doesn't have so many memories. I need to figure out my feelings for you."

Doug leaned in and kissed Ste's forehead before resting his own against Ste's. He closed his eyes and sighed. "You know, I'm not going to pretend that I ever liked Brendan so all I'm gonna say is I understand where you're coming from. You take as much time as you need and me and the Deli will be here when you get back."

"Thanks," Ste smiled through the tears and pulled Doug into a hug, resting his head on the younger man's shoulder. "I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Same," Doug replied as Ste broke the hug and stood up.

"I'll see ya later, okay?"

"Just let me know wherever you end up. Stay safe, okay?"

"I promise," Ste said as he took Doug's hand one last time and held it for several minutes, not quite wanting to let go just yet; not wanting the comfort to end so soon.

"I'll see you when you get back," Doug told him, taking the lead and letting go. With one last look he watched as Ste left the Deli.

Doug smiled. He felt sad that Ste was going but at the same time he felt hopeful. This didn't feel like an ending rather a new beginning. A new chapter of the story and he was looking forward to see what would happen next.

_**I used to keep my heart in jail  
but the choice was love or fear of pain and  
I...  
Chose...  
Love...**_


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Okay, this is the last chapter of this story for two reasons. Reason number one is that I get the feeling that I'm going to hate Ste a lot over the next few weeks (judging by tonight's episode) so I don't really feel like writing him anymore at the moment. And secondly, this kind of ends at a point where if I go any further the title will become redundant so if I do continue it'll be under a fic with a more optimistic title.**

**The lyrics are from Patience by Guns N Roses (my favourite GNR song).**

* * *

_**Was a time when I wasn't sure  
but you set my mind at ease.  
There is no doubt you're in my heart now.**_

It had been a few weeks since Ste had left the village and Doug had fallen into a comfortable routine. He hadn't spoken to Ste since the day after he had left when he had made a quick phone call to let Doug know he was okay. Doug was okay with that as he understood that Ste needed time to think. Instead of worrying of what might or might not be Doug threw himself into working at the Deli and allowing Leanne to keep him occupied by going on nights out with her. Doug enjoyed this new routine, it kept him busy; happy even.

He couldn't help but wonder how Ste was, though. No matter how hard he tried not to think about him thoughts would just pop into his head. He wondered where Ste was, whether or not he was okay and when he was going to come back. This was why he tried to keep his days as busy as possible otherwise he would drive himself mad thinking about it.

Another few weeks passed before Doug received any word from Ste and even then it was just a quick text to say that he was okay and he was heading home soon. After another few days without any further communication Doug put it to the back of his mind and continued on as normal.

Yet he was still not surprised when he saw Ste again. He just waltzed into the Deli like he had never been away. It was almost as though Doug had been expecting it, like a part of him had continually being anticipating Ste's return from the moment he had left. He felt ecstatic now that Ste was back.

There was a positive air around the young man, something that had been missing when he had left. Ste grinned at Doug and he immediately felt his heart skip a beat. Ste always did have a way of making Doug feel like the only person in the world when he smiled at him. What was better was that his smile was genuine, it went all the way to his eyes and made them shine.

"Hiya," he greeted.

"You're looking better than the last time I saw you," Doug responded; smiling sweetly at the man in front of him.

"I feel better."

"So the time away has done you the world of good."

"Yeah. I needed it but I'm glad to be home."

"I'm glad you're back too."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, I mean running this place by myself was getting really boring," Doug joked.

Ste laughed. "Well I'm here now."

"Took you long enough."

"Are you just going to tease me all day or d'ya want to close up early and get a coffee."

"Well, as much fun as it is to tease you I suppose I could go and have a coffee with you. Just as long as you tell me all about what you've been up to."

"Ok, but you have to give me all the goss from what's been happenin' round here."

"Deal."

xXx

"No, I don't believe it," Ste exclaimed as Doug told him a particularly juicy piece of gossip. "An' his wife just slapped her?"

"In front of everyone," Doug finished laughing at the memory.

"Some people never change."

"Well what else would you expect from her?"

"I've missed this."

"There's never a dull moment round here is there?"

"That's not what I was talking about."

"I know."

"Being away was good," Ste started. "I spent some time with the kids."

"How are they?"

"They're great, really cheered me up. But I just spent most of my time thinking. Took a while but I think I'm getting better."

Doug took a sip of his coffee. "You do look well."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"It was really hard at first, right. Sometimes I didn't think I would ever get over it. I would just lie in bed because I didn't have the energy to get up. I just wanted to cry. But one day I woke up and it didn't feel so bad anymore and every day it just got a little bit easier."

"So you're okay now?"

"Mostly. I still get sad sometimes but I don't miss him anymore. I don't wish he were still alive. I know he's gone and never coming back and I feel ready to move on."

"Good, I'm glad," Doug smiled.

"Y'know, I actually feel free."

"What do you mean?"

"Brendan was such a large part of my life for good or bad but he was always there. He was there when I wanted him and when I didn't. When he died I thought that I wouldn't be able to live without him. My whole life revolved around him and the thought of living it without him scared me and at the same time he scared me because he was so unpredictable. I don't feel scared anymore. I feel peaceful."

Both Ste and Doug fell into a comfortable silence, not wanting to talk and not feeling the need to talk. They just enjoyed being in each other's company.

"I thought a lot about you too," Ste eventually spoke again. Doug looked up and stared into his eyes. "While I was away."

"Yeah?"

"I couldn't seem to get you off my mind," Ste smiled shyly and looked away from Doug's gaze. He was feeling shy, Doug realised; something he would never have accused Ste of being before.

"I know what that's like."

"You were amazing after Brendan died, thanks for being there for me."

"I was just being a friend."

"It must have been hard for you, looking after me when I was grieving for Brendan."

"It was pretty hard."

"But you did it anyway. You didn't have to, you could've just walked away from me completely but you didn't."

"I think that just makes me a glutton for punishment."

"No, it makes you a wonderful person."

Ste reached out and clasped Doug's hand in his, rubbing his thumb gently over Doug's soft skin. "Y'know, I kept thinking about the first time I kissed you. I'd no idea you fancied me until that day in the Deli but once I knew I couldn't stop thinking about you. Something changed that day and kissing you was the best decision I ever made."

"Despite how it ended?"

"If I had any sense it wouldn't have."

"I think we can both agree on that," Doug teased, a smiled gracing his features.

"I want you back," Ste blurted out. He had been skirting around the issue all afternoon and he knew that if he didn't say it now then he never would.

"Is that such a good idea?" Doug asked, sighing. "It didn't end well before and I can't have my heart broken again."

"I know, I thought about this a lot while I was away and although I treated you badly I want the chance to make it up to you. I love you and I am going to prove to you that we should be together."

Doug looked up and gazed into Ste's eyes. They were bright and full of passion, something Doug had not seen in a long time. "How do I know that you won't just go back to treating me like second best?" He asked, his voice full of concern.

"Because this is a new start. I'm not gonna pretend that what happened didn't happen but I want us to start again, from the beginning. Maybe this time we can be the couple we were meant to be."

Doug was tempted by Ste's enthusiastic suggestions but he was still concerned. He didn't know if he could put his heart on the line again only to have it broken.

"I don't know," he told Ste. "I want to say yes. Every part of my body is screaming at me to say yes but my heart just keeps saying '_don't hurt me._' I don't know what to do."

"Is there anything that would convince you?"

"There might be," Doug said. He stood up and pulled Ste to his feet. "Come with me,"

xXx

It felt weird being back in Doug's bedroom, Ste hadn't been there for months; not since Doug had moved in with him. He certainly hadn't been back since Doug had returned. It looked almost the same but it felt completely different. For a moment he almost reconsidered asking Doug to be with him again. Maybe he didn't belong in the young man's life anymore, maybe Doug would be better off without him. He had caused him so much pain throughout their relationship, he'd even shoved him to the ground in anger at one point. How could he possibly make up for any of that? No, Ste thought. He was fully prepared to do whatever it took to make Doug realise that he was a different person and that this time around it would be better.

"I haven't been here in ages."

"Feels weird doesn't it?" Ste nodded. "I felt the same way being back here too," Doug turned his back on Ste and pulled a stack of paper out of a drawer. "Here," he handed them to Ste.

"What are these?"

"When I was in America I would sit and write letters to you telling you how I felt. I never intended you to read them but it seems appropriate that you do now. I told you pretty much everything that's in the letters when we talked after I got back but I want you to read them. I put my heart and soul into them and I want you to completely understand why I'm finding it so hard to let you in again. You can read them in here if you like, I'll leave you alone."

"Thanks," Ste replied and sat down on the bed as Doug made his way down the stairs. He opened the first letter and began to read.

xXx

Ste felt the tears roll down his cheek. The letters had been so intensely personal to Doug that he could actually feel his heart hurt for him and he had been the cause of all that pain. He knew that he had to make it up to Doug but he didn't know how.

He slowly stood up and headed down the stairs. Doug was alone in the flat and sitting in front of the television, staring into space and obviously not paying attention to what was on the screen. Ste sat nervously on the edge of the sofa not knowing what to say.

"You finish reading them?" Doug asked. Ste nodded, he didn't quite trust himself to speak out loud. "What do you think?"

"You really didn't leave out any feelings, did you?"

"I was venting, sometimes I was angry."

"You said some pretty awful things."

"I know."

"I deserved all of it."

"I know."

"Thanks for letting me read them. It's helped me understand things a lot more."

"So what do you want to do?"

"I still want you back. I didn't know what to do before to convince you of that but reading those letters has made me more determined than ever."

"And how do you intend on convincing me?"

"We should take things slow. I know that we can't just go back to where we left off but we can start again."

"Are you saying that we should date?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying. We went too fast. We jumped straight into a relationship and got married but we never just dated."

"But dating is supposed to be about getting to know another person. We already know each other."

"We know who we were but not who we are now," Ste explained. "We need to get to know each other again, if that makes any sense."

Doug sat for a moment and thought about what Ste was saying. "It makes perfect sense and I agree."

Ste smiled, "Well then, Doug Carter; will you go on a date with me?"

"I would love to," Doug smiled back.

_**Said woman take it slow  
it'll work itself out fine.  
All we need is just a little patience**_


End file.
